Extreme Diaper-Changing Challenge: Round 1

Time & Place: 6:30 p.m., Saturday, April 4, 2009 / Ruby Tuesday bathroom, Kenwood, Ohio

Participant: Ross, David E.

The Challenge: Attempt to change son's diaper without him freaking out.

The Details:

After a pleasant family meal, it is decided that Edwin's diaper should be changed at the restaurant so family can make a few stops before heading home for the evening. Dave volunteers to check the men's room for a changing table hoping there one won't be available so Mindy will be forced to do the deed. Much to his chagrin, the act of pseudo-chivalry blows up in his face as the men's room is in fact, equipped with a changing table.

Thus, the challenge begins.

The bathroom is dimly lit with the not-so-pleasant odor of industrial-strength cleaner failing to mask the odor of misfired urine permeating through the air. Edwin immediately does not like this room.

The situation worsens as Dave and Edwin approach the changing table, which is positioned within spitting (could use another bodily-function verb but won't) distance of one of the urinals. Trying not to bump elbows with the current user of said urinal, Dave starts to place Edwin on the table. Edwin resists by grabbing the sides of the table and pushing with what seems to be super-baby strength. Dave fights through Edwin's resistance and arranges him squarely onto the table.

Realizing his 1st attempt at insurgency has failed, Edwin moves to plan B: screaming bloody murder. Not wanting to disrupt all the urination that may or may not be getting into toilets, Dave picks Edwin back up and offers a hug with a few consoling words a la, "it'll be OK, little buddy."

Edwin seems to calm down so Dave lays him back on the table. Edwin whimpers softly as Dave rushes through the removing of Edwins's tiny jeans. Before the onesie can be unsnapped, the screaming recommences. Dave continues unflinchingly so Edwin is forced to add squirming to his already effective screaming method.

After what seems like 3-4 minutes of struggling, Dave's able to remove the old diaper and put on the new diaper in a manner that would clearly be insufficient in accomplishing any purpose a diaper was designed to serve. Dave runs out of the bathroom with Edwin and diaper bag without any re-pantsing or onesie re-snapping.

The Clean-Up:

Mindy carries Edwin to the car wrapped in Dave's fleece, finishes the diaper change, and puts Edwin into pajamas. No further stops are made.

The Result:

Failure, complete and utter. In case you're tracking at home, this makes Dave 0-for-1 in the Extreme Diaper-Changing Challenge. Stay tuned as Dave tries to get up to .500.